I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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