the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
