last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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