I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
