Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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