Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
