I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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