oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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