Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
