hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
