What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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