I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
