it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
only you would photoshop your dick
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
