I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
