I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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