Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize