Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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