If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
