I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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