Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
