She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
