I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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