at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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