She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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