and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
