The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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