please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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