her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
