btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
