Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
