So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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