what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
