her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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