she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
