drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
