We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
