I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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