Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
