My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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