i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
