New low: just hacked my moms facebook
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
