fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
