I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
