Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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