if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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