My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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