hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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