Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
