You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
