My nipple is on Facebook.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
