nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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